Learn this communication technique that will help you and your partner move beyond painful arguments and power struggles. Couples are able to create stronger relationships by first becoming more aware of just how deeply interconnected you they are.
Try the 4-step dialogue exercise with your partner to work through any issues or disagreements that may be holding you back from a more intimate and fulfilling relationship.
Step 1: MIRRORING
How to listen to your partner without distorting his or her thoughts and feelings.
Mirroring Exercise
- Tell your partner the message you would like him to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings. (Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me.")
- Your partner then mirrors your message. Example: "If I got it, you feel hurt when I talk down to you. Did I get it?"
- If you feel your partner didn't understand your message, explain again and have him mirror you until the message is received.
- Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages.
- When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message. (Example: "Let me see if I got that...")
- He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?"
When your message has been heard accurately, you can then move on to the next step.
Step 2: VALIDATING
Why it's not enough just to listen to your partner.
It's not enough just to listen; you must learn to pay close attention in order to understand your partner's truth.
Validating Exercise
- Your partner does not have to agree with your argument to validate it.
- In order to validate your message, he needs to use the right language. He should use sentences like this: "You make sense because..." or "I can see what you're saying...." Using the phrase, "makes sense" may be helpful—it tells you that your partner doesn't think your feelings are crazy.
- Your partner must make certain that you feel validated before moving on. If you do, move on to the next step.
Step 3: EMPATHIZING
Once the feeling is expressed, it's time to put yourself in your partner's shoes.
The next big step in the dialoguing process is for your partner to empathize with your expressed feelings. Figure out the feeling, and go to that place with him or her. Step into that place with them and they will know you exist for them in that moment. That's a connection.
Empathy Exercise
- Your partner can start the empathy exercise with a statement such as, "I can imagine that you might be feeling..." or "I can see you are feeling...."
- Since it's impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy. He should ask "Is that what you're feeling?" If he didn't understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.
- If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings. (For example, "Is there more about that feeling?")
Step 4: GIVING THE GIFT
It's time to ask your partner for a small, positive request.
What is it that you want that you're not getting? Instead of beating your partner up about it, translate the frustration into your wish."
The Gift Exercise
- Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?" (Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?")
- Your partner should comply.
- Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.
When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner's feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you and your partner can continue to create the marriage of your dreams.
If you have any questions about the dialogue exercise, feel free to give me a call at 631.692.9689, or email me at [email protected].