SKILL/ CONCEPT TO UNDERSTAND
THE SOFT START UP
What is a soft startup?
A soft startup means beginning a conversation with your partner gently and thoughtfully, making it easier for them to hear and understand you.
If you start talking in a harsh or critical way, the conversation is likely to stay tense and end negatively. But if you begin calmly and kindly, the conversation is more likely to go well.
How do you use a soft startup to communicate?
There are several strategies you can use to gently start a conversation or bring up a concern with your partner. These tips help keep the discussion positive and constructive.
1. Choose your timing carefully.
- Before you even think about raising an issue or starting a difficult conversation, make sure you have your timing right.
2. Start with something positive.
- Opening a conversation on a positive note can influence how others respond to you. It also can set the scene for the conversation.
3. Own your own feelings and use “I” statements.
- Another important part of the soft startup is to own your own feelings and use “I” statements. This has a twofold effect. One, your partner will be less defensive because you are sharing your own feelings, not commenting, or interpreting the feelings of your partner. Secondly, using “I” statements helps because when you take ownership of your experience, it is less likely to be heard as blame.
4. Watch your tone of voice.
- Check your tone as you start to speak. Is there an edge to it? Is there a harshness? If so, see if you can soften your tone. If it helps, notice any tension in your voice and consciously relax your throat and your vocal cords.
5. Share a complaint, but do not criticize.
- It is normal to have complaints of our partners. In fact, a complaint if you make it clear what outcome you desire can be extremely healthy for partners to share with each other. The problem starts when complaints become criticisms. Any attack on the character of your partner, including global statements of their failings (“you never” or “you always”) can railroad any productive conversation very quickly.
6. Make requests for change.
- Picking up from the last point, complaints without requests for change are also unhelpful if you just share your feelings and complaints, your partner may not understand what you want. Let your partner know the specific change you want.
