SKILL/ CONCEPT TO UNDERSTAND
EMPATHY.
Empathy is the capacity to understand and connect with another person's emotions and experiences. It involves putting yourself in their shoes, feeling what they feel and viewing yourself and the world through their perspective.
Empathy enriches your love for others by allowing you to understand and appreciate them as they are, not as you wish they were. When you practice empathy, you value your loved ones for their unique qualities and perspectives, instead of just focusing on what they provide for you. This means recognizing that, even if you go through the same situation together, you can each have your own feelings and reactions. Without empathy, it is easy to mistakenly believe that your loved one’s needs and boundaries are identical to yours, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
While empathy may come more naturally to some people, it is a skill that anyone can develop with practice. If you want to strengthen your ability to empathize, try the following exercise:
- Choose someone important in your life—a partner, friend, family member, or coworker.
- Reflect on how this person has been feeling lately. What emotions have you noticed in their mood?
- Consider what might be happening in their life that is influencing their feelings—are their recent events or challenges making them feel happy, upset, worried, or frustrated?
- Think about your own role in their current emotional state. How might your actions or words be affecting them?
- Identify something supportive you could do or say that might help improve their situation or lighten their emotional load.
For example, let us say you are married, and your partner has acted anxious and angry lately. They come home from work agitated, and tension between you runs high. Last night at dinner, they ruminated so much about their day at work that they barely spoke to you, and when they did talk it was to complain about their long commute. The non-empathetic response would be to snap at them, remind them that your commute is longer, and angrily respond when they don’t ask about your day. That might feel good to do in the moment, and it might be “true,” but is that response helpful? Would it make your relationship better? Would it improve your life or your partner’s life? No, it would not. Instead, it would make everything much, much worse.
Empathy is developed by regularly listening to another person’s thoughts and feelings–helps to build both closeness and respect. To know if you are practicing empathy when talking to someone, keep this empathy checklist in mind:
- Focus your attention on them when they are talking. Do not fidget or check your phone or gaze out the window.
- Indicate that you are listening by looking them in the eyes when they speak, nodding when you understand, and touching their hand or using another gesture to indicate your connection.
- Show your respect by hearing them out without sarcasm or rejection. If you feel yourself getting angry or annoyed, ask to take a break. Get a glass of water and drink it slowly to give yourself time to mindfully re-center yourself.
- Repeat what they say in your own words to make sure you hear them correctly or ask questions if you are not clear about their meaning.
- Validate their emotions. Even if you do not agree with an opinion, you can acknowledge the person’s right to their feelings.
When you act with empathy toward others, others will respond with empathy toward you. With the empathy exercise and the empathy checklist, you have everything you need to learn and practice this crucial social skill.
